The Will to Communicate..

I remember seeing the movie, Mrs. Dalloway for the first time. I was still in what people would call the 'reluctant schoolgirl with a neat scrubbed face dragging her satchel to the education station' phase (courtesy Shakespeare's distinctly sectioned 7 stages of a man and my own adaptation to suit my needs). Even though I didn't understand much I was pretty overwhelmed by the story. My mother led me through the basics of the stream of consciousness, telling me that it was one of the greatest techniques ever used by (well, what else can I call them?)- the greats. 

I watched open mouthed as mum told me that this was how the technique worked. The characters thoughts, ideas, experiences and memories would flow in an uninterrupted and sometimes even interrupted continuity. The pastiche that was created was tremendous and stood out by itself. The effect was in simple words, awesome. I watched Vanessa Redgrave as Mrs. Dalloway standing serenely giving no external vent to her inner world. Surveying everything in her party contentedly, and yet being so very distant in her thoughts. Everything was brilliant.

Then I got hold of a paperback. Held it in my hand for some time, turning it round and round. It was like meeting an old friend who had been pretty close to you for quite some time, but now that time had passed you weren’t sure how to react. I had found the book in the part of our house which we call ‘study’ but its actually just a kitchen which has been converted into the so called study by lining the shelves with as many books we could. There's no dearth in that aspect so the conversion was easily accomplished. While rummaging through the rows I came across Mrs. Dalloway and silently sneaked ‘her’ back to my room (the silent sneaking being necessary as I was supposed to be concentrating on my studies and not distracting myself by reading ‘out of syllabus books’. As if there’s something like that even!) . The cover showed a painting depicting a corner of a table with a few well dressed and respectable looking people making merry eating good food and wine. At least I presumed it to be good food and wine.. Mrs. Dalloway lay on the shelf of my table for a good 7 months before I finally got round to reading it.

Mrs. Dalloway’s reaction to Warren Smith’s suicide was one that I guess  the hard core suicidal maniac will always agree to. "Death was defiance. Death was an attempt to communicate; people feeling the impossibility of reaching the centre which, mystically, evaded them; closeness drew apart; rapture faded, one was alone. There was an embrace in death,".An effort to communicate an existence. The lines hit me hard. Never before had I come across a more fitting definition to the ideology behind the act. I have always believed that the end to extraordinary and great lives are justified by violent deaths. These lines seemed a better explanation to my sentiments. Woolf herself committed suicide and had been known to have made attempts on her life earlier. The lines echo her thoughts and find an equal supporter in me.

Back from the Dead

Figuratively that is. Wow! It’s been quite some time since I last posted.  Hibernation suited me. It did wonders as a matter of fact. The rebel inside me is as noisy as ever but the causes and ideals have changed. A much needed face lift for my blog and I guess I’m all set to go. The time has given me an in depth view into not only human nature but also helped me discover my own! The hours, the days and months all of them combined have opened up ideas and experiences, each of them deepening my insight.

Down this sojourn, I made friends, I made foes, I reconnected, I broke away.  A little scarred and bruised, equally exhilarated but still hanging in there. These past months have taught me a lot of things about me which I guess I ignored or was just too scared to look at and to accept. It’s turned my view about many things to a humungous extent!   

So what happened in all these months? A lot of things - I learnt a new language, made a documentary, did a photography course, joined a band which sort of broke up after its first gig, got a job which i quit after 4 days, made new friends, found my soul sister, lost oodles of weight, read phenomenal but super depressed stuff  and became depressed myself, found that psychology is sometimes more of a self help seminar, finally accepted pop culture, started believing in signs and destiny and other stupid stuff, reassessed my goals and finally learnt you can trust no one but yourself  and your wits in the end. The list wasn’t exactly in perfect order but it pretty much describes what happened. It was quite something though. Interesting and enriching.

So here I am back again to my virtual sounding board, typing away as though my life depended on it.  Ready, rejuvenated and reborn! 

As I sit here in front of the monitor, an old Rafi song playing in the background it seems the perfect setting for an inspired writer to pour out his/her soul in an abstract manner trying best to sound nonchalant, cynical and all that sort of 'ideal writer' stuff. At present I feel pretty washed out. Its been a harrowing month where fate has tried its best at leading me on a rather absurd path of self discovery. One which has shown me how good I seem to be at wasting all these years of my life in accomplishing pretty much next to nothing! Am still confused about how i feel about this. Sometimes I feel happy that I've done nothing since its not even worth it. Sometimes I just feel like a a total failure! Man, I seem to have issues. Opportunities come and go. They look me full in the face. Stare awhile, sit around. I look up at them turning up my nose at almost all of them. They go away. It used to be ok as long as my family was the only one who was bothered but now everyone's trying their best and consider it their only mission to get me out of my 'shell'. Well lets see how it goes. For all those who have nothing better to do watch this space.

As for the things that are going on in my personal life, the less said the better. I dug my own grave. I even asked certain people to help me with it and they very readily (and happily) complied. So far the grave has gone pretty deep into the earth and slowly I see more people coming to help. They are new but they dig with vigour and their energy inspires the older ones. False associations and disassociations have to be made, are being made, have been made. Some are also being renewed with fresh pats on the backs, complimentary shaking of hands and foolishly happy smiles. Everybody looks to see if the neighbor is smiling then they decide that she is happy and so they must be happy too otherwise they won’t be accepted. Happy happy happy happy.
People are born to be loved and life is too short to not love so LOVE!!
Love thy neighbor. Be thy neighbour? I say bloody neighbour.
Why can’t you live to love the only thing that deserves love more than anything? The only thing that you are living for, the only thing that practically rules your world, breaks your world, makes your world, destroys it, retains it. The only thing worth living for......
Love thy neighbour. Love those who deserve love. Those who have learned to respect and gradually love ...... due to which they deserve and command love and respect.
What good is it otherwise?

Nequaquam Vacuum

Nequaquam vacuum- the void does not exist. Doesn't it really? It does .

The void exists. It's found a place where once it settles down nice and comfy it decides never to move. It may eventually grow bigger and bigger but it very rarely contracts and disappears. It doesn't vanish at all, as a matter of fact. It may leave a scar. A dent. One under constant tension and at the risk of growing all over again. One mistake, one tiny mistake and the scar is a thing of the past, it's the big thing that you need to worry about now.

Humans notice the void. Look it in the face and decide to ignore it.
everything will be allright....They tell themselves.....we should just go on as normal. no one will notice it if we don't either. pretend to be happy. pretend a little more.pretend....pretend....pretend.....
Some, like to make it obvious and suggest 'remedies' on how to overcome it.
oh yes, we know all about it... something silly.... thing of the past, that... forget about it..the past is dead and gone...why sould you even look back?....its the present now....all that matters
Past. Present. Future. Each as important. One cannot exist without the other. An 'all effecting' oblivion.

No amount of questioning leads you to the ideal answer. . The one which can be the only source to everything a being has ever desired. No remedy works. The mind is the only factor one can rely on. The one thing that matters in the world. The one thing some people curse as cold and practical- the mind.
The void does exist and will continue till eternity.

An Entry for an Entry's Sake

This is meant to be a meaningless entry. I just felt like writing something and this is the result. To feel the smooth keys of the keyboard under the control of my thumb miraculously shaping a stream of consciousness under my will- thank you technology! Or rather thank you lenovo. This is meant to be a dumb entry, an entry without any meaning. An entry for entry's sake. It's probably because of the exam I gave today. It had wierd stuff written about blogs. It said that blogs are a way of 'enforcing an individual's viewpoint on the world'. Yup! That's right. Like the whole world seems to be suddenly interested in reading blogs. The book was stupid anyway. It had two chapters which had the same content but different titles! The motto of this particular institution I'm doing this course from ( i'm doing a correspondence course) claims to take education to a higher level altogether.
As I sit here, my mother is busy baking a cake. She makes sure that everything is in proportion and keeps checking whether the cooker's lid is fixed right. Yep, we use the cooker here. We have an ancient oven which breaks down each time after the baking session. Mum's too emotional about it to get a new one and has bugged every electrician in town to repair it for her. Its still lying somewhere in the kitchen. Mum works in a college for almost half the day but she finds time to bake a cake when a neighbour's kid asks her.
I guess this is the end of this meaningless entry. An abrupt ending. G'night!!

A Golden Mean...

People should know how to lead a life and not just an existence. There's a very thin line between the two. Those who choose to lead an existence are "pretenders". Those who have mastered the art of pretension and can actually live with it. They act as leeches and have to have people surrounding them. They are happy in their own way. Indifference works as their support system. Incapability as an excuse.They go by the tried and tested routes sticking to them religiously, considering any deviation from the much trodden path-sacrilege In short, they will exist peacefully and will be content with their haves and also with their "have-nots".

Those who lead a life are those restless souls who crave for reaches beyond their limits. They don't really notice when they reach the "limits" but move on pushing the boundaries further. For them nothing is impossible and this works as their driving force. Innovation for them is something normal. Something like a drug to them. These people are eternally restless. They want to climb to the height of their life without realising even by wanting that for themselves they have already done so.They remain blissfully unaware of this fact and thoroughly enjoy life to the fullest thus giving meaning to the term life literally.

The thin line that distinguishes these two comprises those people who will never be satisfied leading a life or an existence. For them the bank is always greener on the other side.

These three types have to learn to co-exist peacefully and harmoniously. They have to learn to work for each other and thus lead the gift of being that has been given to them. This is the life......